I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
