i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
