this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
