I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
