And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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