I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
