so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You can't just leave with hair like that
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
