I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
