Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I will pee on everything he values.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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