I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
