She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
