Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
