I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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