Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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