my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
