now i know why i became what i already was.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
