I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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