you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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