3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
