When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
