Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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