My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
