i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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