Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
