were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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