she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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