I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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