Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
