saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
