Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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