I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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