the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
