You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm getting married
To pizza
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
