So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
