Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
