there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
