there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
