I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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