When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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