walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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