I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
