fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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