Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
