I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
