after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
This is my gift to your gina
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
