Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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