my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
