After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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