In the future we'll all be gay
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
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For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
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You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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