saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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