i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
All the doctor said was why
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