are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
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I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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