I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
