I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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