the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
